Rather Be Forgotten, Than Remembered For Giving In

018

2007-09-23T05:50:28Z

Here's our little 3 day old bundle of joy, Caleb Leto Wachter. One of his many grandma's was holding him. I cropped her out in case she wasn't wanting to be pasted all over the net. I'm already trying to talk the girls into another one. I want 100 babies they're so amazing. I'd love a little hazel eyed princess to go with our blue eyed prince.

What do you say Shan?

017

2007-09-21T05:42:54Z

It's a boy!

Okay, now that I got the yelling out of my system... at 7:15AM, Wednesday, September 19th, Caleb Leto Wachter was born to a room full of happy parents and family. Mom and baby are happy and healthy, thank God. Libby did an amazing job through the entire delivery. Jared was able to come here with Shannon and by the time they got into town, Libby had already been in labor for quite a few hours. It was wonderful to have them both here. Everyone helped to care for Libby while we were still at home, and then even after we went to the hospital. We each took turns sitting with her, having our hands broken in her vice-like grip through contractions, the whole nine.

The entire birth experience was amazing. But the thing that was even more amazing was having the men I love most right there with the two women I love most. So now I'm finally a daddy, Shannon too. Jared's an uncle for the first time, and Tim, Tomo and Karl all get the honorary uncle positions as well.

Anyway, gonna go back to staring at that tiny, perfect little boy.

016

2007-08-24T02:55:35Z

So a couple weeks back we were in Japan, cool right? Yeah, I thought it was, up unitl that spot where Libby scared the fuck out of me.

See, I followed Shannon and the guys to Japan to enjoy the Summersonic Festival there. We got to visit with some other guys we've toured with before and meet a lot of new ones too. Of course I'm not actually part of the band anymore, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I digress...

When it was agreed it's cool for me to run off with Shan every now and again, I got myself this really cool international phone with texting features. You can code certain email and text addresses with different sounds and everything. Libby and I set up a special email for her to use specifically to alert me to the beginning of labor. So there I am in Japan, watching the guys do their show and my pocket starts to cry. The tone I have set on the baby email is Baby Herman from Who Framed Roger Rabbit when he's doing that full on scream.

Anyway, it went off and I freaked. I got hold of her right away while I was trying to think of the fastest way back to the states. As it turned out she was just testing me to see if it'd work, if she could get through. Needless to say I was upset, but I couldn't yell at her. I reminded her that calling the phone would come to me too. She did that little, "Oh, yeah" thing she does. I've just about forgiven her for the permanent heart palpations.

So yeah, this week we're 1 1/2 months away and we're coming up on Tomo's birthday. I need to think of something really cool for him. I'm not discussing that here though or it'll ruin the surprise, so don't even ask Tomo. There, I'm going to go find my man now. Later

PS
Shannon, I love you more than a fat kid loves cake after a week at diet camp.

PPS
Kelly Clarkson is on my Ipod, I'm a happy man.

EDIT:
Jared outsung Baby Herman's scream. That fucker's got chops. Love you bro

015

2007-07-18T03:30:35Z

We were actually home for a little bit, a few days anyway. Then Shan had to go to with Jared and Tomo to do a hostile takeover of KROCK. I stayed back to hang with the girls and just listen.

Libby is getting huge. And for once, she doesn't mind when I say that. There's still 84 days on the baby calendar to go. Thats less than 3 months away. Holy shit! I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a dad. Will I be a good dad? Will I suck? Will I mess up really important things or be really good with most everything? This is the sort of shit that I think about while I'm rubbing the belly and talking to it, "Hello in there Bean."

Yeah I know, I'm a dork. I can't help it. Okay, other than that, the only things I have to say are Shannon I love you and OH MY GOD KELLY CLARKSON IS HERE! Okay, that is all. Wachter out.

014

2007-06-27T03:29:28Z

This has been a year of serious upheavals. We began the year doing all kinds of shows, prepping for Chaos while Jared was still pretty ill and I was getting worse. He was working on keeping his health issues from the press while I tried to keep my own issues from my own band and boyfriend. That was really hard to do.

Now we've come round to all of us having our health issues sorted to some respect, each of the guys in their own settled or at least mostly-settled relationships and the touring is finally over...for now. I'm so happy Shannon's got some time to just settle in. This is not just for selfish reasons, no. He really hasn't had any extended time off in ages. Add to that the fact that he has pretty much been experiencing Libby's pregnancy by photos, videos and telephone.

Now Shannon's home, able to share this amazing life experience with me, well us. Libby and Taylor have taken to having Shannon around all the time quite well. Of course it helps that he massages Libby's belly and feet all the time. That, and the fact they both think he's hot, which he is.

So, Libby is at 25 weeks today. 25 WEEKS! Wow, it's amazing how fast that happens. My tiny little LibbyLibbyLibby is currently sporting a belly roughly the size of a watermelon. She can't sleep well, but doesn't complain. If that's not love and devotion for the life growing inside, I don't really know what is. For once in my life, I'm looking forward to the 9th of October for more than celebrating John Lennon's birthday.

Now I'm going to get my ass off here and wrap myself around Shannon. He's a bit upset right now, and I think he could do with some pettin' and lovin on his head.

matthewwachter @ 2007-06-16T22:02:00

2007-06-17T05:03:52Z

Look, Tomo got his hair from John Connor on Terminator 2!

013: okay, so I didn't spill everything last time...

2007-04-12T23:21:44Z

On my last update I finally let on everything that has been going on with me health-wise over the last year (plus some). And yes, everything that can or should be informed about my health related issues have been. I keep those close to me updated with my progress. I've gone through a change in medications just recently that is supposed to help even out my need to sleep and lessen the all over body-aches and pains. It's only been a couple days, so I haven't got anything resembling results there. All I know is stress still causes me to clench, which brings on a lot more pain and typically makes me throw up. Ugh. Why do I know this? Because I keep having stress, whether I want it or not. Just taking myself out of a work equation doesn't fix that issue at all, much as I thought it might.

I have no idea how many of you know about mine and Shannon's relationship. Nor do I know if you even care really. I guess it doesn't matter. This is my journal after all, and I'll put in it what I like. Ours is a relationship that has taken years to get to the point it is. We've known each other for seven years now give or take. When we met, I was dating Libby and Shan was doing his thing...I don't even remember which thing at the time. He was always chasing the skirts and I stayed in the same relationship for a very long time. Libby and I have known each other most of our lives really. We made a pact some ten years ago, that we would always be in each other's lives, no matter what. Last year Libby was feeling very much like she was losing me, due to the fact she never really saw me with the constant touring. By that point she and I were still living together, but we had always had this agreement about our relationship--I would never see another woman, and she would never see another man. This is not to say same sex coupling wasn't allowed. That, or sharing someone was allowed, though neither of us really took advantage of it. That is, until I went ahead and started seeing someone we were touring with. Those got a little messed up though, live and learn they say.

During that time, Libby had started seeing her friend Taylor casually, but on a more "friendly" basis than "just friends." That was alright with me of course. I've always liked Taylor, she's cool. So when I was home, Libby and I would still do our thing, but once I was away, the cat would play, so to speak. But still, there was our ever present relationship and that long ago pact. We discussed it more during the summer, and it was decided we would marry. Even if I were touring, she'd have something tangible to know with certainty, that we will be in each other's lives for good. That, and she wanted me to be the father of her children, if and when she had them. So okay, that was cool with me. We went ahead and got married, but still continue our lives just as we've ever done.

That brings me back to my point about Shannon. That long-standing agreement about being allowed relationships with someone else, same sexed. I was free to do this. Shannon never really understood before, thought I was cheating on Libby, or would be, were I to play around with anyone. I explained it again, but he still didn't get it. Then one drunken night he realized, actually understood the magnitude of my interest in him. Seven years of being in each other's pockets. Seven years of watching from afar...and that man is a terrible tease. He'll wander down the hall of the bus buck-ass naked just to get something from the front, then go crawl in his bunk again. That used to just kill me. Now I follow him into his bunk.

But I digress. Shannon never understood. And apparently he still doesn't. Why do I need to be married to Libby? Why? Because it's a promise we made each other. Not good enough? Because we do love each other. Still not right? Because she is meant to be the mother of my children. That right there folks is key: Children, our children, MY CHILD. We got pregnant once before, years ago, but Libby lost it. We got through that and carried on. So, that brings us to 2007. At the beginning of this year we tried again. And yes, Libby got pregnant. Thing is, because of the fact she lost the other some two months in, the doctor suggested we keep from telling people until we get past the first trimester, to save us the grief of well meant sympathy were we to lose it. But hey, she's a little over 3 months in and we're still in the clear!

Yes my friends, I AM GOING TO BE A FATHER. Up til a couple days ago I was very excited about this fact and dying to tell Shannon. By now, Libby and Taylor have settled into something serious, as well as Shannon and I, but Libby and I persist with our vows to love and honor each other til death do us part. I do love her, and she me. That, and she is carrying my child. A fact, I might add, that doesn't really thrill the Brother's Leto. I was so upset over Shannon's less than stellar reaction a couple days ago, I couldn't sleep that night, which made me sick. I didn't tell him that though. So we had dinner with Tomo and Jared yesterday. I gave my news, looking forward to something to turn the mood, but got more of the same (well except for Tomo, thank you). Needless to say, the sick got worse. As I mentioned before, I get stressed, I get sick. So now, all I really want is to spend some time with Libby and Taylor to help relax and find my happy place again. They both get it. They understand the excitement, why I'm still married to Libby, and what the future will bring.

012: I'm finally spilling it all...

2007-03-28T00:47:54Z

Alright, this update has been a long time coming. As most of you know (well, those of you that know who 30 Seconds to Mars are, or me for that matter), up until fairly recently I was the bassist for 30 Seconds to Mars. What most of you don't know is my reasons for leaving the band. The label's publicist would have the public believe that I left to spend more time with my family, which is all well and good. It is not, however, accurate. Don't get me wrong, I will be spending more time with my family, it's just not the only reason I left. My reasons, up until recently were kept as a very closely guarded secret. This is not something I plan to announce to the world at large, but inside our close-knit community is acceptable. And please, before I continue, I'd like to say that I am not putting this down for sympathy or any of that. Things happen in life for whatever reason, and you either take what life gives you and roll with it, or curl up and die. I am not one of those people that choose to give up without a fight. Right then, stop babbling Wachter and get it out there...

Over the course of more than a year and a half now, I have slowly become more and more clumsy, spaced out and excessively tired. During our last break between tours, short as it was, I went into my family physician finally, to ascertain the reasons behind my always wanting to sleep, inability to hold down prolonged chord progressions and more. I went through a batter of tests which included a DNA blood test.

As it happens, I was diagnosed with Myotonic muscular dystrophy. I heard the words "Muscular Dystrophy" and pretty well lost it. How many of you know much about the disease? If you're like me, the extent of your knowledge probably ends at Jerry Lewis talking to some overly adorable child in a wheelchair and pleading for your money year after year. The doctor went on to explain to me that there are actually more than 30 genetic and hereditary diseases that make up the "Muscular Dystrophy" family. Of those 30 (30 get that? I tell you I laughed at the use of the number in the doctor's office and he thought my cheese slid off my cracker!), 9 of them are actually considered the major MS groups.

Myotonic muscular dystrophy's onset is generally post teens to middle age or so. I've been told that it's got an extremely slow progression most times. That's all well and good, but seeing as there's no cure, the fact I'm having difficulties playing the bass with any sort of regularity, and wanting to sleep all the time, touring is pretty much out of the question anymore. At least for any length of time. You see, if the average healthy person is tired from whatever they're doing in life, you put a person with my disease in that same person's place, and all they want is sleep, painkillers and more sleep. The more tired you become, the more everything hurts. So yeah, as much as I absolutely LOVE being a part of, in my opinion, the best band in the world, I really just could not continue on with them and know for certain the fans would always be getting the best from them. It isn't fair to the fans or to the guys, to expect to put up with me being half there. I loved the band, STILL love the guys, they're my brothers, but I just can't do that any longer. Well okay, Shannon's not my brother in that regard--incest isn't on top of my to-do list and I do still intend to continue doing him...ahem. I love you Shan, you know this.

Alright, there, it's out there. I know this is long. It's been stuck inside me and was just entirely too painful, too close to the heart to put in words. I'm having a real emotional roller coaster ride coming to terms with this: the disease, the alterations to my lifestyle, and being without my extended family 24/7. I will be going back out with the guys as much as I can, but purely in a friend/boyfriend/band management capacity on occasion. I can't be without Shannon for long, and God knows those boys never stop touring. So once we get a handle on my medication intake, I'll be traveling with them more. Until then, you can find me via my phone, or leave me messages here.

Thanks for supporting the guys through all this. I love you all .... especially YOU.

matthewwachter @ 2007-02-26T22:43:00

2007-02-27T06:44:30Z

Shannon...you...those shorts...I'm gonna take that shirt off with my teeth. C'mere

Everyone in our camp needs a laugh, so I just made this....

2007-02-25T08:18:32Z

Dear The Used Bus:

2007-02-21T05:21:53Z

I have hung approximately 500 airfresheners inside you.

Love, Matthew

matthewwachter @ 2007-02-16T09:32:00

2007-02-16T17:34:57Z

Okay, so the sound system in the Everett Events Center sucked sweaty, hair balls...but we looked good, didn't we? Yes we did. And Jared, I nearly peed myself when you slapped that security guard. PRICELESS!

011

2007-02-09T05:50:45Z

Europe was absolutely amazing....AMAZING. Um, I should get a thesaurus out and find another word because that one isn't really big enough to impress upon you the magnitude of touring Europe for the first time ever. Okay, we only played in six places, but it was all over the place and every show was freakin' incredible. So incredible we're going back for more shows after TOC, but I'll get into that another time. The venues in Europe are so different, but still somehow familiar. Yes the electricity is different, but I didn't blow myself up with anything ~~which if anyone was going to or could have done it, it'd have been me~~. The fans, wow, don't get me started. The Echelon is way over there too and just as dedicated as our fanbase back home. It was absolutely incredible to see them and how into our thing as the ones on our side of the pond. HA! I love that saying, "This side of the pond."

So what else? Libby's living with her girlfriend. That's no surprise really. They're totally into each other and it's nice to see, but while I was home, it was also very lonely. Having our bit of tour helped with that. I got to be around the three other people in my life that mean the world to me again. It was great really. Well, Tomo was sad because Karl couldn't come over with him. He had to stay home with Hunter because he's in school. And Jared's been real upset over things to do with Colin, amongst other things. Colin, if you read this, I don't know what your problem is but fuck man, get a fucking grip.

And then there's Shannon...where do I begin? Good question. He and I have always had a great friendship, lots of same interests and all that. But now there's more, so much more. We've been investigating this mutual admiration and finding that it's fast becoming more than just a passing phase. I always loved having some Shannon cuddle time, but now? ...NOW...I can't keep my hands off him. I know they say getting in bed with a band mate is doom for a band, but I can't help myself! I'm like Alice lost down the rabbit hole and I don't want to find my way back home because believe me, wonderland is THE place to be. Or should I call it Shanana? You tell me.

010: dead

2006-11-27T08:01:44Z

I'm sorry. I really and truly am sorry. For so many things. First of which, when applied to here, is dropping off the face of the planet. I've had a lot on my mind. So much happening and I just ... I can't take being around people. I mean jeez, I've even been avoiding our fans at the bus more than normal. I can't put on a smile for them. I feel really bad for that too because those people have been our fans for a long time and I'm not giving them that little bit extra. But right now I haven't got it in me to give. I just hope they understand.

We're through. Not just some temporary thing anymore either. This is serious, final. Shan and I are officially done. Finito. I still love him but we exasperate each other into a frenzy. We're incapable of communicating over the simplest things. It's probably for the best. Sure doesn't make it hurt any less though. Libby's been wonderful through it all, putting up with me. I really do love her. Who else could be so understanding about the need to be with someone else too? Not many, that's for certain. I'm lucky like that.

Oh, and Jared? I still got your back. You know that man.

009

2006-10-30T06:27:54Z

If you haven't noticed yet, our new website is up and running, go to 30secondstomars.com and check it out, let us know what you think. Sure there's some glitches, but for the most part it's rolling and fucking cool.

We've been doing the tour thing again and really enjoying it this go. There's a lot of bands on the two dollar bill, but we're still headlining, which is an amazing honor. Gabe from Cobra Starship is a fucking riot.

I don't know if many of you are planning to swing by for any of the shows, but my personal recommendation would be the show on Halloween in Philadelphia. We're cooking up some great things for that and it'd be fantastic to share it with some of you. Right, on that note, I'm going to drag myself in for my turn at a post-show shower and get my ass to bed.

008

2006-10-15T05:41:13Z

Bamboozle is tomorrow. That's good, cuz I really need that. I need something. I've been hibernating in the house, with Libby force feeding me occasionally, just trying to find myself again. I've gone through the last week so completely numb to the world, I'm really not sure what the hell is going on in it any longer. I'm not sure I want to know.

I know this is really freakin short, but I just can't throw myself in right now, I'm sorry. I promise I'll come back to it, once were in the swing of shows this week, and I can maybe let myself live again.

Check Us Out

2006-09-22T22:59:40Z

KROQ Inland Invation 2006 Live Webcast
Saturday, September 23rd
Webcast starts at 3:30PM PST

We're going to be on with Guns N’ Roses, Muse, Papa Roach, Avenged Sevenfold, Rise Against, Atreyu, Buckcherry, and MORE! So check it out.

006: Oops

2006-09-21T23:52:43Z

So much for rebuilding those thought processes. I never got back to that and now I can't remember any of my previously cool, totally nuked update. Oh well.

The last two weeks have been a total roller coaster. Shan and I just couldn't seem to get a grip on what we're doing for a while there. I mean, I used to think we communicate pretty well together. That is, until we got together as more than just friends. Once that happened being able to just understand each other went right the fuck out the window. I try, I really do, but I can't read minds and really wish I could sometimes. Maybe that way I'd fuck up less. At least we've finally managed to find a place where we're more settled. There's still bumps in the road, but at least for most of this week it didn't also include one of us walking away from the other one.

I really love Shannon, and I don't want to have us come unraveled so far there's no way to knit us together again. That'd just kill me. Seeing Jared going through such pain this week has really brought that home to me in the biggest way. I feel so bad for him, and really just want to make everything better for him. I want that, and I also want to be certain that I can give Shannon what he needs because I can't lose him.

On the opposite side of the coin there's Tomo. I spoke to him yesterday for a while after he and Karl got to Jersey. He's really happy and practically glows when he talks about Karl. Of course he was real down about Jared being in such a bad place, but then Karl would walk by and I'd see him just light up. I don't remember ever seeing him so happy. Our little boy's all grown up!

So the tour starts again this weekend and I'm hoping that work will help Jared get through the hard times. I think the music, and the energy of the crowds is something we all need right now. That, and being packed like sardines on a bus and left in each other's company for endless miles. We both play and fight like a family and that's exactly what we need. I love my boys.

Most of all? I love Shannon.

005: LJ is a whore

2006-09-11T05:34:50Z

Okay, seriously? LJ is a whore. I had three paragraphs of an entry written, THREE. And I was only half done. Now I'm too depressed to try to figure out everything I wrote again. Damnit! It was GOOD too!

Sigh. Okay, I'm only going to put a bit in here and then try to come at this later this week to rebuild my thought process.

I do recall mentioning that too much has happened in the last month. I mean, you know...ever have so much happen in your life that you can't think about any of it long enough to write anything down? Yeah, that's sort of me right now. I'm in a really happy place but it's been a seriously fucked up process getting here. I've got Shannon in my life finally, as more than the friend he's been for the last five years. Took us long enough.

Tomo had his birthday, he got man out of it. Jared's got his man. Aren't we something? Looks like all those slashy stories about us are trying to come to life. Imagine that. Right, that's not much of a post, but like I said, the real one, the thing with all the good stuff in it went POOF! I'll do that again in a few days. Promise.

003: Okaaaay

2006-08-17T20:55:24Z

Hi! Barely anyone's added me, so I'm not making this post "friend's only" until later. (add me! matthewwachter). I just redid my layout and a bit of my user info. Let me know what you think. I'll be adding more to the user info later but I'm a bit O.D.ed with that stuff after last night.

So, Amy came over to the house last night to meet Libby, and those two proceeded to make me blush furiously. I mean, we're talking TOMATO red. It's not fair. Not fair AT ALL! I need something for payback, you have no idea.

...I miss my boys...